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Blaming Others – Nerdful Mind #45

November 22, 2020 by Simon Mannes

It’s difficult to accept faults.

Not the faults of others, and even more so not your own.

When you get angry or disappointed, examine why you feel that way. Is it because of the other person? Or do you direct that feeling away from yourself by targeting someone else?

When I get angry, deep inside I’m often disappointed by something I did myself, and don’t want to acknowledge it.

Even if that’s not the case for you, you’ll improve the situation when you first calm down. Accept your own feelings before you talk to someone else. If you choose to talk about something important, do it with empathy and acceptance.

Here’s what I found helpful. Start by reading about constructive criticism (see below) and work your way towards learning nonviolent communication. Practice compassion for others and yourself.

Be mindful. Be patient. Be present.

We habitually erect a barrier called blame that keeps us from communicating genuinely with others, and we fortify it with our concepts of who's right and who's wrong. We do that with the people who are closest to us and we do it with political systems, with all kinds of things that we don't like about our associates or our society. It is a very common, ancient, well-perfected device for trying to feel better. Blame others....Blaming is a way to protect your heart, trying to protect what is soft and open and tender in yourself. Rather than own that pain, we scramble to find some comfortable ground.” ― Pema Chödrön

Reading Recommendations

Mindfulness, Empathy and Compassion - MindLab

The difference between mindfulness and compassion from a science perspective.

“When we witness others’ distress an empathetic response, causes us to feel emotional distress. [...]. Basically, you are distressed by what you see, that is you find it deeply unpleasant, which activates stress and withdrawal responses. Not surprisingly if we empathise until the point of empathetic distress we are more likely to be unwilling and unable to help the other person.”

A Crash Course in The Art of Constructive Critique

An extremely practical guide on how to deliver good and useful feedback. I'd argue this is not only important for professional settings, but for personal settings, too.

“When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.” – Dale Carnegie, How To Win Friends and Influence People

Blame Driven Development – finally a methodology that works | svenpet.com

A satirical article about the best development methodology of all.

“The development can be driven by a lot of things: TDD (Test Driven Development), MDD (Model Driven Development), FDD (Feature Driven Development), BDD (Behavior Driven Development) and much more. Do we really need a new kind of development? Yes! All other forms are describing the workflow during the development. With Blame Driven Development just the result is important!”

Weekly Mindfulness Practice

Take a deep, conscious breath every time you go through a door today. This is harder than it seems, but don't get discouraged!

End Note

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Have a great week

Simon

PS: If you found an article you think others might like, and that fits this newsletter, I’d love it if you write me an email. Just reply!

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